The Awesomemoon
by Phosphorescent
Summary: Or, the tale of Barney and Robin's honeymoon, as related by Future!Ted. Also contains an explanation of Robin's short-lived career as a bullfighter.
1. The Challenge

_Disclaimer: I don't own HIMYM. Really._

_A/N: Legend speaks of an unchartered, enchanted island, a place where weary shippers could take shelter from Shipping Wars and the storms of plot twists. While stuck in a tempest on HIMYM Sea, my ship crashed onto this isle. Since then, I have made it habitable and given it a name: Happy Magical Safe Denial Island, or the HMS Denialand. If you care to join me there for a spell, you may. Tourists and new residents are always welcome._

_In all seriousness, though, I don't know about you guys, but I needed something cheerful, silly, and shippy after the past couple of episodes that we've had. (And after the latest spoilers that I've seen.) Thus, I present unto you _The Awesomemoon.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One: The Challenge<strong>

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Ominous music plays. We see Barney, attired in a white suit and bright red tie, being chased by a herd of angry bulls down a cobblestone street. In his left hand, he holds a furled newspaper._

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

Barney ran as fast as his feet could carry him, his arms pumping back and forth frantically.

Then he tripped over a loose stone and fell to his knees.

The stampeding bulls grew closer and closer.

_Is this how it all ends?_ he wondered, and clenched his eyes shut as tightly as he could, awaiting his impending doom.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_But before we go any further, kids, I should probably start at the beginning of this story. It was the spring of 2013, and your Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney had finally decided on their honeymoon location: Spain."_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

_At McLaren's Bar:_

"Oh my god, you guys, that's so sweet," Marshall said, putting a hand to his heart.

"Where in Spain are you going to go?" Lily asked eagerly. "Madrid? Valencia? Ooh ooh, I know, the Canary Islands!"

Ted shook his head. "Uh, no, Lily, obviously they're going to Barcelona. According to _Architecture Today_, Barcelona ranks in the top 10 must-see-cities to see in Western Europe. Besides, it has the Casa Batlló and the Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Família and the Palau de la Música Catalana and the Basilic de la Mercè and the –"

"OK, cutting Ted off before he gives himself an architectural boner," Robin said amusedly.

Barney smirked and gave Robin a high-five.

"For your information," Barney said, turning back to the other inhabitants of the booth, "No, no, and no. Ted, you may be my best friend and Robin's ex-boyfriend, but you have _no_ insight into how either of our minds work, do you?"

"Dude, I don't think _anyone_ has that kind of insight," Ted returned. "Your mind is a scary place to be."

"Oooh, burn!" Lily whispered to Marshall.

"Scar_ily_ awesome, you mean," Barney corrected.

"You should go to Canabria to find the Cuélebre," Marshall said.

"I'm going to regret asking this, but what is the Cuélebre?" Robin asked.

"Ah, Robin, the Cuélebre is the mystical serpentine creature of Northern Spain," Marshall said, his voice taking on a dreamy quality. "They say that it is immortal, that its spit can cure diseases, and that it keeps treasure in its labyrinth of caves. Once a year, though, on Midsummer's Eve, it is possible to make contact with it. And if you come before it with a pure heart and true intentions, it will not harm you."

Frowning skeptically, Robin said, "Right."

"Really, honey, its _spit_ cures diseases?" Lily asked.

"Well, it is said that its spit turns into a stone that is capable of healing almost any illness," Marshall said somewhat defensively. "I don't believe all of the nasty things that people say about the Cuélebre; it's an innocent, beautiful creature."

"Guys," Barney interrupted, "Robin and I are going to… wait for it… drumroll please…"

Everyone waited.

"I _said_, drumroll please," Barney repeated slightly louder.

They started up a drumroll.

"… Booty Town. Oh, and also to Pamplona."

The drumroll stopped and everyone groaned.

"Where the hell is Pamplona?" Lily snorted.

"Pamplona: the beautiful capital city of Navarre. Located near one of our other _awesomemoon_ destinations, San Sebastian, with its lovely nudie beaches."

"What's in Pamplona?" Marshall asked.

"First of all, it doesn't really matter where we go, 'cause all Robin and I will be seeing for the first couple of days will be the inside of our master suite, what up! Secondly, a fantastic nightlife scene _and_ the totally awesome San Fermín festival."

"Wait… that's the one with the bulls, isn't it?" Ted asked.

"Why yes, Ted, yes it is," Barney said smugly.

"Are you insane?" Lily asked. "Who would want to run for their life from a bunch of angry bulls?"

"Challenge accepted!" Barney said, slamming his hand down on the table. "Ow."

"Liiiiily," Robin groaned. "You just _had_ to say that, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry, Robin," Lily wailed promptly. "I'm such a bad friend! Now you're going to be a widow practically as soon as you become a wife. I'm a terrible, _terrible_ person."

"It's… it's OK, Lily, it was an accident," Robin said, awkwardly patting Lily's hand.

"God! Why do you people even tolerate me?" Lily continued. "All I do is bring misery to your lives."

"Aww, Lilypad, you know that's not true," Marshall comforted.

"Misery!" Lily shrieked. "Misery…"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_This went on for a bit…"_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

_10 minutes later:_

"Misery! _Mis-er-y_…!"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_And a bit longer."_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

"So seriously, Barney, you're going to let yourself be chased by bulls?" Ted asked, once Lily had been sufficiently calmed down. "Don't you think that's a little bit… unwise?"

"Unwise, unsafe, un-boring," Barney agreed. "And it's going to be legen – wait for it… wait for it… – _dary_."

Robin sighed. "Want me to film you?"

"And _this_, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm marrying this girl," Barney exclaimed.

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

_[The HIMYM theme music and opening credits begin to play.]_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__


	2. The SendOff

_Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM. I do, however, own a lovely cabin on HMS Denialand, where we cheerfully pretend that the writers never did such a poor job at handling the Barney/Robin breakup in Season 5. Heck, one area of Denialand insists that B/R never broke up to begin with._

_A/N: I don't have a subplot for this fic, as that would require me writing the Mother; Ted meets her at B&R's wedding, after all. So, apologies for that. On the other hand, no gang-back-at-home subplot means that you'll get more Barney/Robin goodness in the next (and final) chapter._

_To those of you who celebrate it, happy Hanukkah!_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Two: The Send-Off<strong>

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_After your Uncle and Aunt's eventful wedding – more on that another time – they packed up and flew to Pamplona, Spain… in a private jet from AltruCell."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_July 2013, Private Airplane Runway:_

"Seriously, Barney, how did you manage to get AltruCell to loan you the jet?" Marshall questioned.

"_Please_," Barney snickered.

Lily sniffled and threw her arms around the departing couple. "I'm going to miss you guys _so_ much. Send us lots of pictures!"

"Uh, no offense, Lily, but we're not like you and Marshall. We don't take _pictures_," Robin said, as though speaking a dirty word. "I'll live-stream the video of Barney being chased by bulls, though."

"It'll be like _Dances with Wolves_, only awesomer," Barney proclaimed. "In fact, henceforth my new Chinese name will be _Runs-with-Bulls_."

"Yeah, about that…" Ted said awkwardly. "Try not to get yourself trampled, OK?"

"Ted, Ted, Ted, my perpetually doubting friend, I'm not going to get trampled," Barney scoffed. "I ran a marathon without training. I think I can manage to escape a couple of overgrown hamburgers."

"So I guess this is really it," Marshall said tearfully, ignoring Barney's most recent statement.

"We're only going to be gone for a month," Robin told the man consolingly. "We'll be back before you know it."

"Yeah, and we'll bring you guys back some cool prezzies," Barney added.

Perking up, Lily asked, "Really? Presents?"

"Presents?" Marshall asked eagerly.

"Presents?" Ted echoed. Then, thinking, he turned to Marshall and Lily and asked, "Hey, why didn't you guys get us presents?"

"Because _Marshall_ insisted on camping next to a lake looking for _Nessie_ the entire time," Lily retorted tetchily.

"Um, first of all, it was a _loch_, Lily," Marshall corrected, smiling nervously. "And then we spent the rest of our money on a honeymoon suite and room service – which was surprisingly un-delicious, by the way – meaning that we didn't have anything left to buy presents."

"But we thought about you while we were there, and that's better than any present," Lily told the group in her kindergarten teacher voice.

"Uh… no it isn't," Barney snorted.

"Gotta go with Barney on this one," Robin agreed.

"Aw, you guys thought about us on your honeymoon?" Ted said. "That's sweet… and weird. Like, really, really weird."

"It kinda is, honey," Marshall agreed.

"It is not!" Lily protested. "What else was I supposed to think about while sitting next to that godforsaken lake?"

"Maybe _Nessie_?" Marshall said. "Oh, and it's a _loch_."

"I swear to God, Marshall, if you try to indoctrinate our child with your beliefs, I will _not_ be responsible for my actions," Lily hissed.

"See what we have to look forward to?" Robin muttered to Barney under her breath. "Regretting it?"

"_Please_," Barney snorted quietly. "As if I could regret this. You're the awesomest person I know, Sherbatsky. Uh… _you_ having any regrets?"

"Nope," Robin replied. "I swore to be your bro-with-benefits until death did us part, and I intend to keep that vow."

They exchanged a look that might have been considered sappy on a pair of less awesome individuals. Then they started making out.

"Eww, not this again!" Ted groaned. "Seriously, guys, I get that you're married now, but… no one wants to see that."

"Actually…" Lily murmured.

"I think it's kind of sweet, actually," Marshall said.

"Dude!" Barney said in offense. "Stinsons are not sweet, OK?"

"Yeah, don't go projecting on us," Robin said, nodding in agreement.

"Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, are you planning on leaving any time today?" the pilot asked in exasperation, leaning out of the jet.

"We'll be there in a minute, keep your shirt on," Barney called. "Geez, hired help these days."

"So uppity," Robin agreed faux-pretentiously, linking her elbow with his.

"Well, see you guys in a month," Barney added, and the two of them walked arm-in-arm into the jet.

"So," Robin said mischievously, leaning in close to him, "Wanna do it in the bathroom?"

"Pssht, do you even have to ask?" Barney replied, smirking, and started to undo his tie.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[Commercial Break.]_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


	3. The Awesomemoon

_Disclaimer: Although I put HIMYM on my holiday wishlist, I didn't get it this year. Maybe next time… *shrugs* Oh well, at least I still have my cabin in HMS Denialand._

_A/N: I did some cursory research for this chapter, but I've never been to Pamplona. Similarly, it's been several years since I've used my Spanish. It's true what they say: if you don't use it, you lose it. [Insert Barney-ish innuendo here.] Therefore, feel free to correct any mistakes that you see. I'll take it with good grace, I promise._

_Many thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed! I really do appreciate each and every comment that I receive._

_Finally, Happy Boxing Day and a belated Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrated it._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Three: The True Story of Robin and Barney's Awesomemoon<strong>

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_I wasn't there for their honeymoon, but I assume that your Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin spent a lot of time taking in the sights of the place…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"H-O-T, Sherbatsky," Barney muttered, eyeing Robin's new barely-there lace negligée.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"…_and the sounds…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Yes, yes, _yes_!" a female voice hissed loudly.

"Oh _yesssss_," a male voice moaned.

The two housekeeping staff paused awkwardly outside the hotel room door.

"Ese es el Stinsons," one housekeeper explained to the other with a jerk of her head. "Han estado en él durante tres horas." [Subtitle: "That's the Stinsons. They've been at it for three hours."]

The other housekeeper raised her eyebrows, reluctantly impressed. "Dejemos y vuelva a intentarlo más tarde. _Mucho_ más tarde," she said. [Subtitle: "Let's leave and try again later. _Much_ later."]

They moved on to the next room.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"…_.and generally learning as much as they could about the city."_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

"Hey, Barney, did you know that Pamplona was named after the Roman general Pompey?" Robin asked, glancing up from the brochure in her hands.

"General Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus," Barney said. "A truly great man."

Robin looked at him in surprise.

"Please, Robin, I know my history," Barney said. "Among other things, Pompey was famous for being part of the First Triumvirate, winning a shitload of battles, and having an enormous penis. After his defeat at the Battle of Phars_phallus_, he fled to Egypt to pursue a career as a porn star. Unfortunately, he was stabbed by a jealous rival and died before he could achieve everlasting fame in his new profession. True story."

Robin grinned. "You're an idiot, Barney," she muttered.

He beamed back at her.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_Eventually, though, the day came for Barney to fulfill his challenge."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"OK, I can do this," Barney muttered to himself. "No big deal. Never mind that the bulls are ginormous."

"That's the spirit!" Robin said comfortingly, as she walked him to his starting spot.

"Robin, that bull just gave me the evil eye!" Barney half-squealed, leaping away from the malevolent gaze of one of the beasts.

"It's a _bull_, Barney," Robin said patiently.

"A bull of _pure evil_," Barney agreed. "It has it in for me!"

"Why would it have it in for you?" Robin scoffed.

"I don't know, but it does," Barney squeaked. "I'm going to die!"

"You're not going to die," Robin informed him. "You want to know why? Because you're awesome and you can do this. Also, I'm your wife and you don't get to die until I say so and I _don't_ say so."

She gave him a bruising kiss, then pulled back.

"Besides, you have several excellent incentives to come out of this alive. And one of those reasons? I'm. Not. Wearing. Any. Panties."

Barney's eyebrow raised as he murmured interestedly, "Really."

"Really," Robin confirmed, cheered to see the look of growing lust in her husband's eyes. "Now go get 'em."

"Oh, I will," Barney said, smirking.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_After walking Barney over to his starting place, Robin pulled out her cell phone and started recording the event for posterity."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"And they're off," Robin muttered under her breath, jogging alongside the barriers, cellphone held high.

For a time, everything went fine. Barney – easily distinguishable from the crowd due to his suit – ran quickly and surely, easily keeping ahead of the bulls.

After a while, though, he began to slow down, exhaustion clearly getting to him. And then… he tripped.

Other runners flew past the fallen Barney, heedless of his precarious position.

The bulls drew closer and closer.

A bull – the same one that had been eyeing Barney earlier – broke free from the herd, and charged towards him.

Barney, on his knees, screwed his eyes tightly and waited for the end.

"Nooooooooo!" Robin screamed, throwing the phone to the ground.

She leapt over the barricade and into the pathway of the charging bull.

Ripping off her red blouse, she waved it to and fro in an attempt to distract the bull away from Barney.

"You think you're so strong, don't you?" Robin taunted. "Huh? Huh? Don't you, you stupid bovine?"

The bull narrowed its eyes and charged at her instead.

Robin ducked out of the way, though, and forcefully brandished her shirt at the bull again.

"You think you're _so_ special just because you're a bull at the encierro? Well, I've got news for you: your mother was just a common _cow_, and an easy one at that! That's right, you heard me! Your mother was a slut!"

The bull made another lunge for her, but she swerved out of the way at the last second.

"Not as easy as you thought, huh?" she sneered, ducking and dodging the bull's horns. "Well, guess what, buster? I'm _Canadian_!"

With these words, she threw her blouse in the direction of the rest of the stampeding herd.

Momentarily baffled, the bull turned its head towards the flying shirt.

That was all the distraction Robin needed. She sprinted over to Barney, grabbed him by the legs, and pulled him out of the pathway.

"Climb, you moron!" she shrieked at the bewildered Barney.

Shaken into action, he climbed up over the barricade alongside her.

Panting, the couple fell onto the ground on the other side of the barrier.

"Yow-eee," Barney moaned. Then, "Hey, you aren't wearing a shirt."

"No, I'm not!" Robin yelled, anger and relief vying for prominence. "You're an _idiot_, Barney!"

"You… you saved my life," he added shakily, the events of the past few minutes beginning to sink in. "You saved my _life_."

"Yeah, well," Robin panted, "I wasn't exactly going to let you get yourself killed. I didn't give you permission, remember?"

"You saved my life," he repeated wonderingly. "Robin Sherbatsky Stinson, if we weren't already married, I'd ask you to marry me right now."

"I'll settle for less jokes about Canada," Robin told him. "Seeing as it was my Canadianess that saved you and all."

"Yeah… not going to happen," Barney said, gazing into her eyes.

"Was worth a try," Robin said with a shrug.

And then she leaned in and kissed him. Or he leaned in and kissed her. Neither was very clear on who moved first, but it didn't matter, because they were _kissing_ and his hands were in her hair and her hands were busy removing his suit jacket.

They were _alive_.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

Meanwhile, YouTube viewers all over the world got quite a show from the live stream on Robin's cellphone.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"_Kids, your Aunt Robin and your Uncle Barney got arrested for breaking the rules of the encierro _and_ for_ _indecent public exposure, but that's not the takeaway lesson from this. No, the message of this story is that even when you think that all hope is lost, you shouldn't give up. And if someone really loves you? They won't let you."_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__

_[The HIMYM closing theme music plays and the end credits begin to roll.]_

__-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–__


End file.
